Happiness is not Forever
Dukh Hamesha saath Rehta Hai
Magar Khushi Aati Jati Rehti Hai'
Santa, please explain this in
English:-
S:"My Wife Is With Me, But Her sister Comes & Goes..!
Duchess of Cambridge gives birth
Kate Middleton has given a birth to a Royal baby boy in Paddington, London. Prince Williams becomes a father. UK will celebrate.
A Funny Interview
Officer : What Is Your Name ?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : Tell Me Properly
Candidate : Mohan Pal Sir
Officer : Your Father's Name ?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : What Does That Mean ?
Candidate : Manmohan Pal Sir
Officer : Your Native Place
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : Is It Madhya Pradesh ?
Candidate : No, Munnur Pal Sir
Officer : What Is Your Qualification?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : (Angrily) What Is It ?
Candidate : Metric Pass
Officer : Why Do You Need A Job ?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : And What Does That Mean ?
Candidate : Money Problem Sir
Officer : Describe Your Personality
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : Explain Yourself Clearly
Candidate : Mind-blowing Personality Sir
Officer : This Discussion Is Nowhere, You May Go
Now
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : What Is It Now
Candidate : My Performance....?
Officer : Mp !!!
Candidate : What Is That Sir..?
Officer : Mentally Punctured.
Candidate: M P Sir...(my pleasure)
Magic of Confidence
A Businessman was deep in debt and could not see any way out.
Creditors and Suppliers were demanding payments. He sat in the park, deep in thought, wondering if anything could save his company from bankruptcy.
Suddenly an old man appeared before him and asked,
"I can see that something is troubling you seriously".
After listening patiently the old man said,
"I believe I can help you".
He asked the man his name, wrote out a cheque and put it into his hands saying,
"Take this money, meet me here exactly one year from today... and you can pay me back at that time".
Then he turned and disappeared as quickly as he had come.
The businessman saw in his hands a cheque for $500,000... signed by Warren Buffet, one of the richest men in the world.
"I can erase my worries instantly" he realized.
But instead, the man decided to put the uncashed cheque in his safe, knowing that it might give him the strength to work out to save his business and to use this only in case of dire emergency.
With changed thinking he negotiated better deals,restructured his business and worked rigorously with full zeal and enthusiasm and got several big deals.
Within few months, he was out of debt and started making money once again.
Exactly one year later he returned to the park with the uncashed cheque.
As agreed, the old man appeared.
But just as the businessman was about to hand him back the cheque and share his success story, a nurse came running up and grabbed the old man.
"I’m so glad I caught him" she cried.
"I hope he hasn’t been bothering you much.
He always escapes from the mental hospital and tells people that he is Warren Buffet",
saying this she took the old man away.
The surprised man just stood there, stunned!
All year long he had been dealing thinking that
he had half a million dollars behind him...
Its not the money, real or imagined that turns our life around.
It is our Self-confidence that gives us the power to achieve anything & everything that we want.
Have a Confident day...!
Amazing Simple Home Remedies
1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by peeing in the bathtub.
3. For high blood pressure sufferers - simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
4. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from hitting the snooze button.
Height of Attitude
A Sleeping Beggar puts a Notice Board in front of Him
Plz Do Not Make Noise By
.
.
Dropping Coins...!! Use Currency Notes!!
Just come in... Fresh!
Rajnikant was playing DHOL during ganpati visarjan.
An alien landed on Earth & requested, "Bhau Mazya Porachi Exam Ahe,Thoda Halu Vajva...
(Sir, my daughter exams are going on. So Pl don't beat drums so loudly)
A lesson in High Spirits
In our life problems may go from 'Haywards 2000' to 'Haywards 5000', but we must take them as a 'Royal Challenge' otherwise people will call us 'Old Monk' and put a 'Black Label ' on our name. So We must learn from 'Teachers' to fight like 'Jack Daniel', live like a 'Bagpiper', walk like 'Johnny Walker', work till '8 PM' & think like 'Directors Special'. Then life will be 'Imperial' & we will become 'Aristocrat' & there will be value for our 'Signature'.
India is Great
My income tax return form has been sent back to me because in response to question for "Number of dependants on you ?".
I replied : 65% of population who doesn't pay taxes." 50 million illegal Immigrants; 9,00,000 criminals in over 85 prisons... and above all 769 Idiots in parliament.
They said this was not an acceptable answer ..!!
I am still wondering..Who the hell did i miss out?
Some Deep Thinking
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally, I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
Appraisal Discussion
In an appraisal discussion...
Manager: this is your revised salary, keep it confidential.
Employee: Don't worry, I am equally ashamed of it...
THE WORLD IS MINE
*Today, upon a bus, I saw a very beautiful woman And wished I were as beautiful. * *When suddenly she rose to leave, I saw her hobble down the aisle. * *She had one leg and used a crutch. But as she passed, she passed a smile. *
*God, forgive me when I whine. I have two legs; the world is mine. *
*I stopped to buy some candy. The lad who sold it had such charm. *
*I talked with him, he seemed so glad. If I were late, it'd do no harm. * *And as I left, he said to me, "I thank you, you've been so kind. * *It's nice to talk with folks like you. You see," he said, "I'm blind."
* *God, forgive me when I whine. I have two eyes; the world is mine.
* *Later while walking down the street, I saw a child I knew. * *He stood and watched the others play, but he did not know what to do. * *I stopped a moment and then I said, "Why don't you join them, dear?" * *He looked ahead without a word. I forgot, he
couldn't hear.
* *God, forgive me when I whine. I have two ears; the world is mine. * *With feet to take me where I'd go.. * *With eyes to see the sunset's glow. * *With ears to hear what I'd like to know,
* *God, forgive me when I whine. I've been blessed indeed, the world is mine. *
*If this poem makes you feel thankful, just forward it to your friends.
* *After all, it's just a simple reminder that we have so much to be thankful for!
* *Give the gift of love. It never comes back empty ! *
*I have been truly blessed with an AWESOME FAMILY & FRIENDS !
WONDERFUL DEFINITIONS
SCHOOL :
A place where Parents pay and children play
LIFE INSURANCE :
A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
NURSE :
A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.
MARRIAGE :
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
TEAR :
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.
CONFERENCE :
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
FATHER :
A banker provided by nature
CRIMINAL :
A person no different from the rest
....except that he/she got caught
BOSS :
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early !!!!
POLITICIAN :
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence thereafter.
DOCTOR :
A person who holds your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
Wedding
"If newly weds are called
??"Love Birds"..?????
What do you call the couples married for years??.............>>
? "Angry Birds"???
"Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR)
If you feel overloaded with WORK, immediately go to the nearest
"Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR) center, and place an order for
any one or more of the following antidotes :
1- Work Isolating Neutralizing Extract (WINE)
2 - Radioactive Un-work Medicine (RUM)
3- Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER)
4- Vaccino Officio Depression Killing Antigen (VODKA)
Issued in public interest by "Buddies for Eradication of Work Disease Association" (BEWDA).
Jackie Chan's wife dies
Jackie Chan's wife dies 1 yr after marriage.
Sardar tries to console Jackie but doesn't know what to say.
Sardar : Hota hai yaar. Chinese thi, aur kitna chalti.
Gujarati Funeral... Excellent one!
A family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother (Ba) arrived from the US . It was sent by one of the daughters.
The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it when they opened the lid;
they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters:
Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Neetaben and Varsha,
I am sending Ba's body to you, since it was her wish that
she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT.
Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.
You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, cans of cheese, 10 packets of Tobler chocolates and 8 packets of Badam (peanuts) please divide these among all of you.
On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.
Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan.Just distribute the rest among yourselves.
The 2 new Jeans that Ba is wearing are for the boys.
The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba's left wrist. Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace,earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her..
The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my nephews.Please distribute all these fairly.
Love Neeta.
PS : If anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well nowadays.
USED Vs LOVED
While a man was polishing his new car, his 6 yr old son picked up a stone and scratched lines on the side of the car. In anger, the man took the child's hand and hit it many times; not realizing he was using a wrench. At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers due to multiple fractures. When the child saw his father.....with painful eyes he asked, 'Dad when will my fingers grow back?' The man was so hurt and speechless; he went back to his car and kicked it a lot of times. Devastated by his own actions.......sitting in front of that car he looked at the scratches; the child had written 'LOVE YOU DAD'.
The next day that man committed suicide. . .Anger and Love have no limits; choose the latter to have a beautiful, lovely life.....
Things are to be used and people are to be loved. But the problem in today's world is that, People are used and things are loved.... In this year, let's be careful to keep this thought in mind:
Things are to be used, but People are to be loved.
Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.
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